THOUGHTS ON: Life As The Single Girl

"So, Anna, are you seeing anyone at the moment?"

This is a question that crops up somewhat regularly; on this occasion, it was my grandmother asking. My answer was brief and varied little from any other time I am asked this. "Not at the moment, Nanny."

While my grandmother may have been asking with the most innocent of intents, I have found myself growing increasingly tense each time a friend, family member or colleague makes this same query. It is perfectly possible that every one of these individuals only seeks to make conversation, but I've come to realise that there may be something larger and even harmful at play here. Today I'd like to highlight the sexism I see lurking under the surface of this seemingly simple question.

The truth is that I now see being single as something I have to justify and almost apologise for. It is as if being in a relationship is seen as the "default" and being single is some kind of weird error; a blip in the system.

Think of the difference between the way we see the words "girlfriend" and "wife" versus how we feel about the term "spinster". Girlfriend and wife, though heavy with gendered baggage in their own right, lack the subtext of loneliness and sadness that we visualise when we hear the word spinster.

Compare this too with the fun, roguish stereotype of the spinster's historical male equivalent, the bachelor; somehow the female version engenders images of sad women at home with a multitude of cats, while the male term carries a sense of youth and sexual freedom. Why on earth should this be the case?

In fact I have realised that I began internalising this aversion to female singlehood from an early age. In both the fairy tale Disney films I devoured as a child and the sitcoms I loved as a teenager, the single girl was painted a sad, solitary figure, whose experience little resembles my time as a single woman. The princesses I loved (Snow White, Cinderella, Jasmine, Sleeping Beauty) only found happiness and an escape from their difficult pasts by earning the love of a man. The female characters in the sitcoms I adored got off no better, and were often to hate being single (think Elliott Reed of Scrubs, Rachel from Friends, Grace in Will & Grace). The subtext of all these portrayals regularly implied that if a girl was single, she was not truly happy.  Rather, she was waiting for her true love to sweep in and rescue/marry/complete her, and only then would she find total happiness.

Even Sex and the City, widely loved and celebrated for its portrayal of four happily single women, focused almost in its entirety on the group's quest to find men. Particularly in its earliest seasons, the four protagonists were seldom shown as being truly comfortable living life without some degree of male attention. Instead, singlehood was often shown as simply the time spent between male partners; either nursing wounds from the last, or going all out to woo the next. This could well be put down to the show being a product of its era, perhaps, but I still think it is a crying shame that the biggest female-led sitcom of all time was so obsessed with men.

I think, too, of how quickly our society calls into question women who are not obviously interested in attracting male attention. Growing up I heard on numerous occasions of various women rejecting various men (both on and off screen) and noticed how quickly the assumption was made that the woman must be gay... As if rejecting one man is somehow the same as rejecting all men.

This is problematic for a number of reasons; firstly, it belittles the choices of gay women everywhere, implying that lesbian relationships are based on hatred for men rather than love for women. Secondly, it encourages the notion that the woman in question has an issue with all men, even when she is rejecting one individual who has treated her poorly. In fact, while writing this essay, I've begun to wonder how much idea that male desire should be the ultimate goal for all straight women (and ideally all gay women too, for that matter) feeds into the idea of rape culture. My initial thoughts are hugely so.

It's taken me a long while to share this post with you; I've deleted it, re-written it, scheduled it and then cancelled it on numerous occasions, all because I was so scared what sharing on this subject would say about me... To be perfectly frank with you, I was afraid I'd be dismissed as just another sad single girl. Only when a friend pointed out the irony of this to me did I feel I could finally hit "Publish".

Lastly, I've chatted with a fair few of my friends about how damaging the shaming of female singledom can be. I've known of so many beautiful, brilliant, bright girls who stay in unhappy relationships for seemingly no reason; who turn to Tinder even after finding it didn't work for them; who go through heartbreak over guys who are not the gods they believe them to be. I don't think that all of these situations arise solely because we are cultured to avoid being single, but I do think that pressuring girls to find a man and settle plays a part in this pain.

I'm so, so curious - what do you make of this topic? My fellow single ladies - do you feel shamed about your single status too? I am so eager to hear your thoughts!

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THOUGHTS ON: How To Tackle A Spending Problem

One of the best things I did for myself in 2015 was making the decision to wake up to my unhealthy spending habits and to start making proper use of my savings account.

In fact from 2013 to August of last year, I was never out of my overdraft for long. Like anyone who's developed an addiction to anything, I was pretty unaware of my problem for a good while; I always had an excuse, and almost always managed to keep things together just enough so that things never spiralled too far out of control. I never had a credit card and my overdraft is a very small one, but every now and again I dipped into my savings and gradually depleted them to a third of what they once were.

February marked six months of hard saving; while I still had the occasional wobble (December, I'm looking at you) I have managed to put aside a healthy percentage of my earnings each month without fail and, touch wood, it looks like my spending habits are finally under control... But I honestly wish this were a subject that was discussed more online, especially as we bloggers tend to focus on spending rather than on saving.

So today I'm doing my bit, and giving you my tried and tested advice on how to tackle a spending problem. These range from the purely practical to the mental side of spending as well... Let's dive in.

CUT OFF TEMPTATION

You've probably heard this one before, but as your loving Auntie Anna, I'm going to tell you it again anyway... Unfollow the brand accounts you have on social media (yes, Instagram, Facey B, Snapchat - the whole shebang). Unsubscribe to email newsletters and to any physical junk mail. You really don't need them. Delete any shopping specific apps and delete any bookmarks on your computer; if your tabs open to frequent pages, set it to a blank tab; in fact this is one of my favourite tips from this post.

Cleansing your social media channels from brand presence is all well and good, but the next step can be a little tougher; find a way to manage your biggest enablers. All of mine were online, so I made the decision to unfollow any bloggers, YouTubers or Instagram accounts that were setting off my spending itch. I also stopped watching haul videos and I can't say I miss them.

If your enablers are people in your life, have a conversation with them explaining you need to stop spending as much. If done in an open and honest way, I have every confidence that they will understand.

Lastly for this section, check yourself. If you find yourself sharing things you've bought on your social media, break that habit: those likes and comments feed into the buzz that you have trained your brain to feel when you buy something. Try not to enable friends and family, as doing so will attract that behaviour back to you. This all may sound a bit strange but it does make a difference.

SWITCH YOUR FOCUS TO SAVING INSTEAD

It's easy to feel like not spending opens a huge void in your life... I know, I've been there. Those Amazon deliveries felt like presents from me, to me. What on earth was going to fill that space?

The answer was, of course, saving. Saving for something that really mattered. Choose on something you want to save up for; having a concrete goal makes setting that money aside so much easier. Then open your savings account or start using your existing one properly; bear in mind that saving will also be much easier if you open an account that isn't easily withdrawn from online or on your phone.

Work out your budget at the start of each month. Be conservative but still try and be realistic. I found that I would tend to forget putting in enough to see friends and for birthdays, so always have these in your mind when working out your prediction of how much you will need. Then as soon as your pay comes in, transfer whatever amount you've decided to set aside straight into your savings account. You will then be left with what you need for that month.

Where possible, do away with monthly subscriptions. I don't currently have a Netflix account or a Spotify account, and it was only was I knew I could afford to that I signed up for Adobe's Creative Cloud version of Photoshop.

Feel proud as your savings increase. In fact, I remember watching a documentary that said saving money releases those same endorphins that spending does (so sorry I can't find a link to it!). Now I end up feeling a very real guilt on the odd occasion that I do buy something unnecessary. It's amazing how the mind can completely switch, but persist and you will find that it does.

GET MINDFUL ABOUT SPENDING

I believe that this section is the real reason why I've not relapsed, where other attempts failed. This advice goes a little deeper but yielded the biggest results for me.

For me, everything changed when I watched The True Cost. It's a powerful documentary on the fast fashion industry, but it was the catalyst I need to start actively exploring minimalism amongst other things. Question who made what you are buying. Are they being fairly treated, with a decent wage? I also loved this episode of the Lively Show, when I first heard about the zero waste lifestyle. It further opened my eyes to how damaging mindless consumption is to our world.

And don't forget to notice the emotional side of your spending habits. Become aware of when you spend; is it when you are down, or bored? Are your purchases linked to your self image? Working out why you spend makes it so easier to get to the root of the issue.

Lastly, notice that spending comedown. I found that I was tying huge amounts of emotional baggage to each purchase, always hoping that they would change my life in some way. None ever made me happier; instead I would simply shift to the next thing I wanted and start obsessing over how that would change me. Each item came with a particular sense of disappointment. I don't miss it.

I now see myself as being on the other side of my spending problem. These measures might be a permanent thing for you or perhaps some are temporary; either way I encourage you to give them a go!

Is there anything you think I have missed? This is one of those subjects I can't get enough of hearing about so any advice or further resources would be hugely welcome!

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THOUGHTS ON: My First Month As A Veggie

This week marks my first month as a vegetarian and I thought I'd celebrate the occasion by chatting about it with you guys... Don't worry, as ever, I am not here to tell anybody what to do; that's just not my thang. I know however that meat-free and vegan lifestyles seem to be on the increase, and as there are a few of you who are as interested in this subject as I am, I thought it was only fair to give you an update.

It seems wise to tell you a little as to why I've turned veggie... For me, it was more about lessening my impact on the environment than anything else. Prior to 2016 I loved cooking and eating meat dishes and felt totally comfortable with my decision, and it was only when I heard how much of an effect the meat industry had on the planet that I began questioning my lifestyle. I also considered going zero-waste, but as that seemed pretty much impossible to achieve where I live I decided being a vegetarian was the best option I had.

The first thing I've noticed is that I am so glad to have taken my time over this decision. The last month or so of 2015 saw me gradually taking meat out my diet, starting with red meat and then working forwards until eventually I had adapted to going fully vegetarian. Going cold turkey* really didn't work for me on previous attempts; I was unprepared and on one occasion ended up feeling pretty unwell as I wasn't giving myself a healthy diet. This time around it felt astonishingly easy and I think it is a sign that I've been eating right that I haven't had cravings or even missed meat at all.

I can confidently say that I do feel a little better; whether it's a placebo effect or I'm just more conscious of eating well remains to be seen, but I have a bit more energy and seem to be sleeping well too. However, I most certainly am not losing weight and the differences are subtle; I am not bouncing around with energy and dropping dress sizes by the day, as some have said of going veggie.

One thing I do need to sort out is finding more quick, tasty recipes. I've eaten mostly pasta, soup and risotto this month and I am beyond fed up of all three, so any recommendations from you guys would be a total godsend. I have also found that in my hometown, vegetarian options are very variable; curries are the only eat-out meals that haven't left me a little disappointed/hungry.

All in all, I've found it has been a relatively simple switch for me; that said, I'm already conscious that switching to a vegan diet (which I won't be able to commit to until after my summer working at a girls' camp in the US) is going to be a far more challenging option for my current lifestyle... So again, if you are a vegan or vegetarian I would love to hear from you!

Would you guys ever consider going veggie, if you aren't already? Whatever side of the fence you are on, I would love to hear your thoughts!

*using this pun while talking about vegetarianism is the best part of this lifestyle, trust me

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THOUGHTS ON: Friendship Breakups

While relationship breakdowns have been heavily documented in our culture (with all of us knowing that the secret is to sob in your slobby pyjamas while devouring trashy films and too much ice cream) the friendship breakup gets far less press. This said, I would argue that the latter can be just as painful as the former, with many of the same emotions surfacing in both experiences. Whereas we can't move for tropes and stereotypes on how to get over an ex-lover, there is almost no guidance to be found on moving on from an ex-friend... So how do you go about it?

I'm not much of an expert on any kind of breakup, but like most people I have gone through this particular situation as both the "dumper" and the "dumped" (or as Facebook might put it, the unfriended). Neither end feels particularly pleasant, so I thought I'd round up what I have by way of "advice", with some suggestions for getting you through that raw, foetal-position-adopted-friend-loss stage and the oh-crap-I-just-don't-see-us-as-friends-any-more-what-do-I-do stage.

  

SO YOU'VE JUST BEEN FRIEND-DUMPED...

First of all, please don't overreact and assume a friendship has died because someone hasn't texted in a while. I know that this may sound like the most non-advice advice ever, but it never does hurt to remind ourselves that we all maintain our friendships in different ways. I'm someone who may not get in touch for any length of time, but it rarely means that I'm upset with my buds. Your pal's pace of friendship may be slower while your own may be faster... It's something to bear in mind.

Test the waters. Whereas relationships tend to end with a clear sense of separation*, friendship breakups can be murkier. A couple of attempts to extend the hand of friendship should suffice; if you find that attempts to arrange meeting up get blown off repeatedly or that messages and calls go unanswered, it's wisest to step back and leave things. As the other party in this scenario, it's not nice to receive a massive, accusatory message outlining where they have failed to maintain contact with you, so don't bother. True friends will come back without you needing to ask.

Accept what is. Seeing a friendship dwindle away is totally normal. It's often not about either of you having done something wrong, but more about changes of circumstance; you may have simply grown apart or literally moved further apart from one another. In these instances, it helps to simply accept this and not let the hurt get to you too much; by maintaining a level head, you may even find that a bond gets rekindled later down the road (and boy is it great when it does).

Friendships ending in betrayal are less common, and it's often harder to see these ties being repaired. Even in this situation, take the high road. My family is big into saying the expression least said, soonest mended, even if it's not something we can always stick to... but it really does help to do your best. A few years ago I ended up losing some of my dearest friends at the time and I still wish I'd handled things with more dignity; now I am that little bit older I can see that things could have ended more easily.

Let yourself heal. It may involve multiple sadness baths, millions of late night phone calls and more Parks and Rec marathons than you can shake a stick at, but you'll get there. Allow the loss of one bond to give strength to others, by making the most of the buds that are looking after you while you get through your friendship breakup.


*unless you are Ann Perkins

 

 

...OR PERHAPS YOU NEED TO END A FRIENDSHIP

Don't beat yourself up too much. We all need to move on sometimes and especially from friendships that bring us down instead of up. Sometimes drawing a line in the sand to say that enough is enough really is the kindest thing; struggling on with a bond that is just making you unhappy can lead to toxicity and real misery. It is okay to say no thank you to something that is no longer healthy for you.

Withdraw quietly. Again, writing an accusatory letter just isn't an option. Writing that letter and keeping it may prove cathartic, but any interactions with one another should be gentle and respectful. With a close friend, I truly can't imagine anything more hurtful than being told in detail, blow by blow, why they no longer want to be your mate, so don't do it to someone else no matter how justified you might feel. If you can't drift away quietly, perhaps a more direct interaction is necessary, just saying that you feel differently but that you wish them well. Don't have another friend do your dirty work and don't say anything that you wouldn't be comfortable hearing yourself.

Let them feel their hurt. They are likely to react with upset and our unhappy selves are not our best selves, so a thicker skin may be needed. Accept that they may feel lost and betrayed, but don't forget that you are doing so for the right reasons.

Feel your pain too. It is still an awful experience, even if you are the one who instigated a friendship breakup, so be prepared for your own upset. You may miss them and feel angry at them at the same time; this is again normal and just needs to be felt and dealt with patiently and with lots of chocolate based snacks.

Do you guys have any advice on this subject? Are you going through a friendship breakup at the moment? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments...

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THOUGHTS ON: (Un) Healthy Eating

- ED TRIGGER WARNING -  

Good day to you my friend.

On Monday I shared with you my current favourite breakfasts and today we'll be talking about food again... because I need to acknowledge that food can feel both like a blessing and a curse, depending on where you stand.

This post started because I realised I'd bought my second healthy eating book this month and this immediately signalled a red flag in my mind.

Anyone who's ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder or has experienced (as in my case) a less severe period of unhealthy eating habits will know what that red flag feels like. 


If you are one of those people, PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING POST WITH CAUTION as I do not want to trigger you. 


I feel nervous writing about this subject because I know healthy eating is having a real "moment" right now; I hope I can communicate that while I know "healthy" food can be great, there is cause for concern when we take a healthy choice and apply an unhealthy attitude.

I am not trying to pretend I am any kind of expert... But I've not seen much discussion on this subject online and today I'd love it if we could simply try and begin a conversation.

Today I'm going to tell you about the 2013 Me... I was in my second year of university, I was utterly heartbroken for the first time in my adult life and pole fitness became my refuge.

Eagle-eyed Snapchat followers will know already that I still adore pole; but back then, I was obsessed. In my second semester, I went multiple times a week; sometimes twice a day. I began feeling obsessed with eating "healthily" to try and improve my fitness for pole. I also found that I learnt quickly and was delighted that this was the only sport I'd ever tried that I had any kind of natural aptitude for.

Fellow pole fitness folks can tell you that pole comes with a lot of attention (most of it wholly unwelcome) and for the first time, awkward, health-averse Anna was being told she looked so healthy, so strong and most of all, so slim.

Slim... Skinny... Thin... Healthy... "Well"... They're spelt differently, but in this context, they're all synonymous and they're all meant to be compliments.

And yet, despite outwards appearances and my lower weight, I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy.

My body had become something that needed to be controlled. You've heard the saying, "Strong, not skinny"? It's incredibly toxic but I had no idea at the time... I thought that lots of exercise, endless salads and weight loss meant that I was doing something right.

In reality I was pushing my body to almost beyond its limits and my mental health was far from great.

Nowadays I generally feel happy about my relationship with food (and exercise too), but it's an issue that could affect me at any time. In periods of stress or unhappiness I have had to train myself to try and keep eating regularly, even when I don't feel like it, and thankfully 99% of the time I don't even worry about what I eat.

Why am I telling you this? 

Because I am almost entirely certain you know this feeling already.

You know that society has taught us that skinny = good and fat = bad, even though they are simply adjectives.

You know this pressure that we all feel, to showcase how nutritiously we eat and how frequently we exercise, almost as if we have to prove our worth through our health.

You might even agree with me that if you are a woman, your body is not just your own, but is there to be measured and compared and above all judged.

I know I've felt this pressure and I've given into it as well.

Eat chia seeds if you like them. Drink smoothies if you think they are cool. Go for a run if that is what you enjoy doing.

But please know that you do not have to do any of those things.

A photo posted by Anna (@byhermirror) on Oct 5, 2015 at 12:01am PDT

You are still a wonderful person, worthy of kindness and love, no matter what you look like, or how "healthy" you are. You are more than your body and you are more than our ridiculous cultural standards.

I've written this post because I am tired of conversations about women being beautiful and deserving of love being started mostly by men (grinds teeth at Dove, its owner Unilever and every member of One Direction, amongst others).

I'm also tired of us not being able to enjoy our lives because someone else says we should be comparing ourselves and worrying about how we appear on the outside.

What is inside you is what matters the most and I know that it is worth more than solid gold.

As I said, I am no expert... So if you read this post and feel that something is problematic, please speak up; this is a two way conversation after all. 

This post was very much influenced by some wonderful women; if you would like to hear how the best do it, please check out Anastasia Amour, Call Your Girlfriend and Meghan Tonjes... And I would love to find out what you guys think about this topic... Do you feel the pressure? How do you find ways to get past it? On a totally selfish level I really want to know!

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